things that could drive me to drink if i let them

So I am sitting awake at my desk at some ungodly hour of the night, afraid to go back to bed for fear of explosive kitten diarrhea, but wait - I'm getting ahead of myself.

About an hour ago (I'm guessing) I woke up to one of my kittens padding by my head in the dark, smelling suspiciously like something that should have remained in his litter box if he'd been more responsible.

So I turned on the light, and sure enough, his paws were covered with kitten poo. As were a couple of my pillows, and part of one of my sheets. Which delighted me to no end, I can assure you.

Eventually I traced the poo back to one litter box (out of two that the kittens use) full of explosive diarrhea that had been very efficiently stirred up by diligent kitten paws, and then spread all over my apartment. Well, the last part may be a bit of an exaggeration. But certainly more of my apartment that I would have liked.

If I thought my downstairs neighbours were disturbed by the kittens' midnight wrestling matches before, I don't know how they're going to feel about much water running/hand washing and floor cleaning noises in the middle of the night now. Not to mention the violent swears that occasionally worked their way through to my outside voice.

I really am totally afraid to go back to sleep, for fear of further poo distribution while I am unconscious, although to look at them now, both kittens (and yes I fear the poo may have come from both their bums, although only one kitten was thoughtful enough to use his paws as kitten poo paintbrushes) seem to be sleeping peacefully on the desk beside me, with now-untroubled bowels.

My OCD hand-washing has received a bit of a setback, however, and I can't step anywhere without frantically checking for kitten poo stuck to my feet.

I'm searching for an appropriate drink recipe for this post, and I believe I may have found it:

Suggested drink recipe: The F*cking Sh!t

'Nuff said. Besides which, that drink actually sounds pretty good. Cranberry juice, pink lemonade and vodka. A number of those babies, and I bet I'd stop worrying about cat sh!t, that's for sure...

(Oh, and the photo that introduced this post? Taken days ago when the kittens discovered the bathtub-as-play-area. Which is giving me an idea for some future kitten post-bowel movement training...)

(Oh, and the reason for the explosive kitten diarrhea? As yet undetermined. Although I am hoping it is food-related and not something else-related, because my budget is feeling a little expensive vet visit-averse at the moment.)

getting drunk on tanqueray commercials and david letterman

So, being as I'm still a non-drinker, I've been having a hard time coming up with topics to blog about on this mixed drink recipe blog. I'm sure my friend Dom, who owns the mixed drink recipe sister site to this blog, would tell me to just write about entertaining. As in, how to host parties. And I may - in time. Although my mild social phobia will probably get in the way of any actual field research on the subject. Just saying.

But for now I'm mostly ignoring my blogs, because I'M IN PAIN MOST OF THE TIME WHEN I'M NOT SLEEPING. AND ALSO SOMETIMES WHEN I *AM* SLEEPING, which kind of ruins me for stringing coherent words together when I'm not at work being paid to do the same. Because you know, being paid to do something is a strong incentive when you're in pain. But I digress.

So when I'm in pain every night after work, not writing on my blogs, I spend an embarrassing amount of time watching the YouTube. And lately I've also been watching a lot of videos on the official Late Show with David Letterman website, since I am somewhat addicted to David Letterman interviews, and maybe also a little in love with Dave as well. If that isn't too embarrassing to admit for someone as younger than Dave as I am.

The thing about the official David Letterman videos is, they're really, really high quality - you can practically see every one of Dave's nose hairs - but each video is also preceeded by a short paid advertisement, which is kind of (okay, mostly) annoying, unless it is ONE OF THESE AWESOME TANQUERAY COMMERCIALS, which could totally make me start drinking again, if I felt so inclined. Just so I could experience what gin flavoured with "angelica, juniper, coriander and still more inconveniently sourced and hand-selected ingredients" actually tastes like. Because you know, I don't believe I ever tried gin, back when I still drank alcohol.

Like many Gen-X'ers, I maintain a carefully cultivated cynical opinion of television commercials, whilst at the same time hiding a secret and illicit (pardon my redundancy) appreciation for a finely crafted marketing pitch. And in the case of these Tanqueray commercials, I'm also enjoying the luscious visuals and the über-cool offhand attitude of the "characters" in the video that I've embedded above. As if I, too, would prefer to make several trips to Paris and never once see the Eiffel Tower, the Mona Lisa, or the Arc de Triomphe.

So I've been watching these Tanqueray commercials for a couple of weeks now, and every time I see one I say to myself, "That's it! I can blog about Tanqueray!" Only I'm usually in so much pain that I tell myself I'll blog later, when I'm feeling better. And then each new evening when I watch my latest Letterman videos, I worry that the Tanqueray commercials will finally be gone - replaced by something much less witty and relevant to the topic of this blog - and then where would I be?

Thankfully the nice Tanqueray people have very thoughtfully published their videos on YouTube, so I can post my favorite commercial here for your viewing enjoyment. As an added bonus, I am including this recent Letterman video, below, which features actor Kevin Spacey tweeting during his interview with Dave. If you watch both videos one right after the other, you will have pretty much the same viewing experience I did the first time I saw the Spacey video. You're welcome.



(Added later: And in case you're interested, here's the tweet that Spacey sent from his BlackBerry during the show. Which really has me disillusioned, because who knew that they didn't actually film the Letterman show live at 12:30AM?)

(And yes, I added Spacey to my follow list, making me something like follower number 817,203. In a grand gesture of self-promotion, let me add that Kevin should (but hasn't) follow me back, as should you. Here.)

In the interest of educating my readers, I looked up gin on the Wikipedia, and I learned lots of interesting facts. Most of which I won't bore you with here. But apparently the Tanqueray people weren't kidding when they listed all those herbs, because gin really is flavoured with some crazy-ass stuff. I'm thinking it probably doesn't taste as subtle as a tickle fight in your mouth, though. As if I knew how subtle a tickle fight in the mouth was supposed to taste.

When I searched for some mixed drink recipes on Dom's site that use Tanqueray, I found this winner:

Suggested drink recipe: Pinesol

I kid you not, people. Click on the link to see for yourself. Kind of makes me want to go into the drink naming business, myself. I mean, are you sh!tting me? PINESOL??? They should put THAT in a Tanqueray commercial one of these days...

"Anyone care for an angelica, juniper, coriander and other difficult-to-remember-until-you've-seen-this-ad-50-times-ingredients toxic cocktail that sounds like something you'd serve to your ex when you've got a real death wish raging on him but actually are probably going to cheerfully pay 10 bucks for on your cougar prowl this weekend in a bar? Sucker?"

please

So I've been thinking about what a wrote a couple of nights ago about my ex and his new bride, and while I don't regret what I posted, I feel it needs some context. Someday (please God not anytime soon), he or his lovely wife may find what I've written, and I'd hate for them to think that I hate them. Because I don't.

As simply as I can say it, seeing those pictures of them so happy together in a tropical paradise was hard for me because that was once my dream. I loved him. And seeing him married to someone else reminds me more than anything that, no matter how pretty or hot or smart or funny or talented or caring I might have been, none of that was enough to keep him interested. And I did so want to keep him interested.

But he's found someone else, and hopefully - someday, somewhere, somehow - there will be someone who finds me.

In the meantime, I should probably stop stalking my ex on Facebook. I'm guessing.

(Joke. Really - I'm not stalking him. Much.)

Suggested drink recipe: Forgive Me

tweeter's remorse

Okay, first I have to say: OMFG (Oh My F*cking God)! Jenny, the Bloggess commented on my first blog post here, and I didn't even know about it until I logged on just now. TWO WEEKS AFTER THE FACT. She's totally going to think that I'm an aloof bitch or something, when really I'm just pathetic about blogging regularly. And possibly didn't set my comment auto-notifier properly.

Anyhow - Jenny, you are awesome, thanks for actually reading and commenting on my blog, and yes, we could possibly be related. Except you are like my younger, prettier sister or something. Really, I'm probably more like your mom. Only less irritating, if your mom irritates you. I'm not really sure about that last part. We're probably not related at all. Nevermind.

So in the two weeks since I last wrote anything here, I have been hiding my head in the f*cking sand basically just living my life and trying to keep the migraines at bay. And trying not to step on my new kittens too often. But that's another story.

Okay, let me just briefly mention something about kittens: Only adopt baby animals if you want your home and all of its possessions TOTALLY DESTROYED in a matter of days, okay? Right now kitten #2 is trying to make my camera fall from the desk to the floor. Although he's pretending that he's just interested in playing with the strap. I believe I know better. And before this, he and his brother (kitten #1) were trying to help me type. Yeah.

I digress. What I really meant to blog about was this TOTALLY DISTRESSING THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT after I logged on to Facebook. Lying in wait, unbeknownst to me, were photos of my ex-boyfriend and his new wife. Renewing their (pause while I take the camera away from the kitten) wedding vows.

ON A BLOODY BEACH IN BLOODY HAWAI'I, people. (Where she's totally from. True.)

(And yes, that's really one of their photos at the beginning of this post. You can see I thoughtfully tried to choose one that would preserve their privacy. And I've even erased all the little URL bits and identifying stuff with PhotoShop - plus reduced the photo to 400 pixels wide - so don't get all detective-y on me and try and trace the photo, or anything. But yes, that's them. ON A F*CKING BEACH IN HAWAI'I. And I realize I'm so going to hell for even posting this pic in a drink recipe blog post, but apparently the whole thing has hit me a little hard.)

So I already ranted about last night's emotional fallout on my Twitter feed last night, and I'm mostly through talking about this, but let me just say that I AM TOTALLY SKINNIER AND PRETTIER THAN HER. There. (And, I suspect, a little more bitchy.) But honestly - is it just me, or does she look like a whale in that photo?

That's it. I'm really, truly going to hell now. At this point I should probably say that they are both really good people (at least, I'm extrapolating that she is, because I've never actually met her, but EXCEPT WHEN HE WAS FALLING OUT OF LOVE AND BREAKING UP WITH ME he was a pretty good person, if I remember correctly.) Really.

The sad thing is, normally I would share the link to this post on FB, in order to garner a lot of sympathy (or possibly serve as a cautionary tale to others), but OF COURSE I'M STILL F*CKING FB FRIENDS WITH MY EX, AND PLEASE TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING STAYING FB FRIENDS WITH HIM ANYHOW???

I also might be PMS'ing right now. Just saying.

Suggested drink recipe: Blue Hawaiian Screw

(I can't believe there's actually a drink called that. But how fitting. See you in another couple of weeks, perchance. Don't anyone else go to Hawai'i while I'm gone.)

(And let me add one more time - they really are good people. Really.)

(Did I mention he got totally sunburned on that beach? Yes, I guess I'm still going to hell...)

Two days later: Read my calmer, wiser reflection on this post, here.

whew!

Okay - so I found my BlackBerry late last night before I went to bed. And I'm feeling really retarded foolish, because it was under one of the pillows on my bed the whole time. I think it got there when I had my nap. The nap that - combined with the Advil - made me too messed-up to find my nonexistent car when I left the liquor store yesterday. Which kind of makes me feel not quite so retarded a little justified about losing it, or something.

So anyhow, lots of a few good things happened as a result of thinking I lost my BlackBerry. Like I found my tape and an extra pair of mittens (above) in my car when I searched my car yesterday, and I also finally brought in seasonal items that I no longer needed, like my snow brush. Which reminds me, I still need to get the snow tires off my car. True. Because I don't live in one of those godforsaken really far north parts of Canada, where it actually snowed last weekend. (True, and true.)

So I don't have to start drinking after all, which is awesome because I don't think it would go really well with the Advil right now. I'm sure I read that somewhere - that you shouldn't mix alcohol and meds. So yeah. Life is good.

Suggested drink recipe: Half-Man Half-Wit (I was looking for a drink called Hallelujah, but there isn't one. I thought this one kind of fit, even though I'm obviously not a man, or even half a man. But admit it - you were kind of thinking the last part after reading this post, right?)

And I'm really sorry about the photograph at the top of the post, but I took it at 7AM, okay? It's kind of dark in here in the mornings...

lost

So I lost my BlackBerry today. Yeah, the one that I forgot to take with me to the liquor store. Turns out I didn't just forget it at home... I TOTALLY MISPLACED IT HOURS EARLIER. And by TOTALLY MISPLACED IT, I mean I think someone pretended it was theirs instead of mine, and they are still pretending.

On a scale of one to 10, I am about a 200 on the bummed ranking. But as I keep telling people, nobody died. Well actually, somebody did die - my mom just told me over the phone that a former client of mine died this week. True. But that doesn't have anything to do with my BlackBerry, and losing my BlackBerry is nowhere near as awful as my former client dying. Just saying.

I really loved my BlackBerry, though. I even talked about it on one of my blogs, here. And being that I buy into the whole Law of Attraction thing, I am totally berating myself right now for whatever thoughts I was thinking that caused me to attract the "loss or mysterious disappearance" (that's a technical insurance term I just learned from my mom, BTW, who works in insurance) of my favorite technological toy. And whatever it was that I was thinking? Just STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT ALREADY, okay?

Whew. So the above picture is of my front room desk/table after I totally tore everything apart looking for my missing BlackBerry. And the open jar of almond butter is there half-way down the table because my PMS has upgraded itself to severe endometriosis pain, and I needed something on my stomach before I got high on some more Extra Strength Advil.

So I hope y'all are having a much better day than me. In other news, Dom is happy with my first blog post, so that's good. Now I have to work on a newsletter for BarDrinks. Should be a piece of cake for a smartass like me fun.

Suggested drink recipe: Black & Blue Berries (Although this is one of BarDrinks' non-alcoholic recipes, and after losing my BlackBerry I am totally reconsidering the whole teetotaler thing.)

welcome to the bardrinks.ca / barrecipes.com blog, i think

So my friend Domenic suggested that maybe he should have a blog for his mixed drink recipe site, and since I know all about writing blogs, I am creating this blog for him. At some point I really want to have this blog embedded in his actual site, but I'm kinda unclear about all that technical stuff. I just write copy. And I think Wordpress works better for the crazy embedding thing (I'm probably saying that wrong, aren't I?), but I've never used Wordpress, and I can use Blogger in my sleep (I have at least six other Blogger blogs), so I created a Blogger blog for Dom.

Lots of people One social media guru has told me that Blogger blogs can be exported into Wordpress blogs, and she better be right, or this blog is always going to be attached to the rest of my blogroll. Although there could be worse things.

So anyhow, have I mentioned that I don't drink? True. I may tell you guys that story someday. But in the meantime - yeah, I don't drink, so this should be a total disaster lots of fun.

Dom suggested that maybe I try to relate some stories to the LCBO's latest Food and Drink magazine, so I decided to walk to my local LCBO* to get one.

When I left my apartment I was feeling kind of groggy from a long afternoon nap, which I took because I'm PMS'ing, and I think I was also high on Extra Strength Advil or something, because I couldn't figure out which way to go to get to the liquor store. Because there are two ways I could go - not because I'm a politically incorrect word for a developmentally challenged person, or anything.

As I'm walking to the liquor store I'm thinking that it's real convenient that they put a women's shelter right next door, because then all the angry husbands could totally stock up on liquor for their murderous stakeouts and WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING WHEN THEY PUT A WOMEN'S SHELTER NEXT DOOR TO A LIQUOR STORE?! Just saying.

I'm always kind of nervous whenever I go into the LCBO, because I hardly ever buy alcohol, and I'm still kind of afraid that they will ask me for ID. Have I mentioned that I'm over 40 years old? I should probably not be too afraid of being carded anymore, eh?

So I needed some kind of reason to be at the liquor store - besides stealing one of their magazines, that is - and I thought, This is great, I can pick up a bottle of vodka to use as bedbug repellent. Which is a really, really long and involved story, but basically I have to go to a bedbug-infested apartment building next week for work, and I am totally freaking out about the whole bedbug thing because those buggers can climb in your clothes and travel back to your home with you and presto, your home now has bedbugs too. And I'm guessing I don't want that to happen to me. And lots of people okay, someone I work with has mentioned that spraying alcohol on your shoes and clothes will scare the bedbugs away. In theory.

I think she uses rubbing alcohol in her spray bottle, but I am all about saving the environment and I'm pretty sure rubbing alcohol has nasty additives in it, and vodka is all pure and comes from potatoes, or something. Or is that rum? Whatever. Anyhow, so I needed a bottle of really, really cheap vodka to put in my bedbug spray bomb.

They have a nice selection of vodkas at the LCBO, but OMG WHEN DID MICKEYS GET SO EXPENSIVE??! (Did I mention I stopped drinking over 20 years ago?) So anyhow, I wanted to buy an all-Canadian product, but the only mickeys I could see that were Canadian were, like, all in plastic bottles, and have I mentioned that plastic makes my PMS worse? Nevermind. Basically I just hate plastic. So I was all, like, which is the cheapest vodka that comes in a glass bottle, and the answer would be Absolut.

(The bottled-in-plastic Canadian vodka was slightly cheaper, although upon closer inspection I noticed that both brands - which I totally can't name here, and not because I don't WANT to mention them, but basically I forget what they're called and I also forgot to take my BlackBerry with me when I walked to the liquor store, so I couldn't make a note of them at the time - were both bottled by the same distiller, which sounds like of dodgey to me, and suspiciously not at all like some kind of Canadian vodka market monopoly.)

So armed with my Swedish vodka I went to the cashier, and have I mentioned that the cashiers in a Canadian liquor store have absolutely no sense of humour probably deal with a really difficult clientele all day long, and aren't always the friendliest bunch? I asked my cashier where the Food and Drink magazines were, because normally they're, like, piled all over the exit area, but apparently in this store they keep them in tiny, neat little racks near the entrance. Which is in a different place than the exit. As if they're trying to make it easier to catch alcoholic shoplifters improve the traffic flow, or something.

So I went back to the entrance to get my copy of Food and Drink, and not wanting to bother the nice cashier again, I slipped through an empty cash lane, and set off a discreet alarm. And tried not to run (or look back in shame) as I quickly left the store.

And when I got outside, I was all, Dude, where did I park my car? Because I don't think I've ever walked to a liquor store in my life, and I totally forgot for a moment that I hadn't driven.

And then I was all embarrassed AGAIN, thinking how I must appear totally hungover or something and I don't even drink, and I decided to walk the other way home. Where I missed my street, and had to turn around and retrace my steps about a block later. True. I am SO never walking to the liquor store again when I am high on Advil and afternoon naps, I can tell you.

So there's a photo of my contraband issue of Food and Drink, and my bottle of vodka in the nice LCBO bag, above. I think I need another nap now, to recover from my afternoon...

Suggested drink recipe: Backfire (As in, A lot of things about this blog post could totally backfire.)

*The LCBO is Canadian-speak for liquor store. In Canada we don't sell alcohol at the corner variety store, the way they do in the States. The government runs the LCBO. Yeah, it's kind of fascist. Have I mentioned that the LCBO has not endorsed this blog, or anything? We pronounce it "Ell See Bee OHH," just like it sounds. Not "Lick-bo," or something. Although I could try to start a trend, if you like. Oh, and you can't get beer at the LCBO. Just wine and spirits. Canadians buy beer at The Beer Store. That's what the store is really called. The government must think that beer drinkers are not as bright as wine and spirit drinkers, or something. But anyhow, you can also buy wine at some grocery stores. Not quite sure how they work that. Whatever.